Climbing Out On the Crashing Waves

A little boy sits crying because he can't be in the sack race. Tears create streaks down his dirty little cheeks as the wash away the dust from a hot summer day. "Why can't I be in the race?" he sobs.

"Buddy, you just can't be in the race," his mother answers.

"But why can't I Momma? I can do it! Just watch me! I'll show you I can do it!"

"It's too hard. You just can't do it. You have to be able to jump to play that game."

"I CAN jump! Let me show you that I can," he pleads.

"I wish that you could but you just can't. You have CP. Your body just won't do that."

Through sobs he manages to say, "I wish CP didn't exist! I wish I hadn't been born with CP!"

I've dreaded hearing those words for over 10 years. I knew that someday I'd hear them. It was inevitable. The surprising part is that they haven't been said before. Most kids realize their limitations much younger but Sweet G is different. There is nothing average about my Sweet G. He looks at life through a different window than most of us. His spirit is strong and true. He is kind and good. Anything is possible in his eyes.

As a small baby his favorite song was Dream Big by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband. I remember thinking how cool it was that he loved that song so much because with his disability he was going to need to be able to Dream Big. I began to think of the words as a prayer for him.

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes
'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

As he got a little older his favorite song changed to The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. That song gave me so much hope and peace and again I prayed those words as we sang them together.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

For the most part we have Dreamed Big and listened to the Voice of Truth but every now and then I have forgotten to have big dreams and sometimes I've listened as the giant says, "He'll never win." But not Sweet G, that is, not until today. Today he realized that dreams aren't always enough and in his weakness he took his eyes off of Jesus, focused on the waves crashing all around him, and listened as the giant laughed and said, "Boy, you'll never win."

One thing I know is that although Sweet G had a moment of weakness tonight, tomorrow will be a different story. Tomorrow we will stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over G as He says, "Do not be afraid. This is for My glory," and out of all the voices calling out we will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth!

Standing at the Screen Door

My parents divorced before I was old enough to retain any memories of the time they were together. There is not one picture of me with both of my parents. Not one trace of evidence from the life we lived together. For that reason I find it impossible to imagine that we ever had the same last name or lived together as a family although we did for only a short time.

In my earliest memory I am standing at a screen door crying for my parents. From what I can remember I believe it must have been springtime which means I was less than two years old. My mother's sister is telling me that my Mom is at work and that my Daddy will be here soon to pick me up. That first memory is one of loss, abandonment, fear, and confusion. It explains a lot about who I am and how my personality was formed. I understand so many things about who I am and how that first memory held me prisoner without me realizing it.

I spent many years feeling like a victim. Social situations almost crippled me. I scrutinized every conversation and became my own worst enemy. Fear and shame were my constant companions until I slowly started seeing myself the way God sees me. Little by little I gained a new self image and stopped worrying about what others thought so much. Those feelings have not gone away but I have learned to control them instead of letting them control me.

Lately I've been feeling somewhat like that little girl; confused, afraid, alone, abandoned, unloved. I know that those feelings are real and justified but unlike that baby girl standing at the screen door I don't have to let those feelings define me or hold me prisoner. I have a new identity in Christ. He will never leave me or forsake me. He shelters me beneath His wings.

Psalm 17:8-9 (KJV)
8Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings,

Lessons From Today

My wonderful husband lovingly, patiently and persistently worked to awaken me this morning in time for us to make it to Sunday School and church. I stayed up way too late last night which is common for me. I just really wanted to be left alone to sleep but he is so much more aware of our need to worship than I am so he gently encouraged me to wake up.

I began to drift in and out of consciousness after he made several attempts to wake me. As I lay there trying to break free from the thick fog of sleep that was engulfing me I heard Sweet G's voice. "Is Momma getting up? Is she going to church? Is it going to be just you and me today, Daddy?"

Those simple questions asked from curiosity and a deep need to know the day's plan was what finally swooped in and lifted me out of the fog. Depression and panic become excuses at times. I don't consciously use them to allow me to check out of life but I also don't make a conscious effort to press forward and overcome my tendency to allow depression to prevent me from living a full life.

Sunday School was wonderful. Our teacher has a way of presenting God's truth in a way that resonates with me. We have similar personalities and I suppose that makes his teaching real, relatable and powerful to me.

We had a special guest come and sing during the worship service. The worship was more powerful than it has been in a while. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and looked next to me and saw Sweet G lift both hands as high as he could and shout, "Yes! praise the Lord." My initial Mommy thought was to tell him to be quiet but I didn't. I paused and watched my little boy worship with a freedom that I wish I was bold enough to experience. I sat there in awe of his sweet spirit and his lack of restraint. He felt moved by the singing and he unashamedly praised God.

God had many lessons for me today. The sermon was perfect for where I have been in my life and pointed out some key areas I have become weak in. Our Sunday School lesson was filled with answers to issues I deal with regularly. The songs of worship reminded me that I gain strength from praising my Savior. Sweet G demonstrated freedom in worshiping Christ and in trusting Him regardless of the circumstances God allows me to face.

I prayed at the alter about some things I have been dealing with for a long time. A precious senior adult lady joined me to pray. She is the perfect picture of southern grace and devoted Christianity. Everyone who knows her loves her and admires the testimony of her life. I was honored that she prayed with me but the most amazing thing happened as we finished praying. She held me by my arms and looked directly into my eyes as she spoke to me. She said some things about me that took me by surprise. God used her to bless me and encourage me.

I would have missed all those things if my amazing husband hadn't persisted in his attempts to wake me. He is so much more than I deserve. God taught me so much today. He demonstrated the fruit of the spirit through those around me.

Galatians 5:22-25 (KJV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23[Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.]
24[And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.]
25[If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.]

Lessons From Today

My wonderful husband lovingly, patiently and persistently worked to awaken me this morning in time for us to make it to Sunday School and church. I stayed up way too late last night which is common for me. I just really wanted to be left alone to sleep but he is so much more aware of our need to worship than I am so he gently encouraged me to wake up.

I began to drift in and out of consciousness after he made several attempts to wake me. As I lay there trying to break free from the thick fog of sleep that was engulfing me I heard Sweet G's voice. "Is Momma getting up? Is she going to church? Is it going to be just you and me today, Daddy?"

Those simple questions asked from curiosity and a deep need to know the day's plan was what finally swooped in and lifted me out of the fog. Depression and panic become excuses at times. I don't consciously use them to allow me to check out of life but I also don't make a conscious effort to press forward and overcome my tendency to allow depression to prevent me from living a full life.

Sunday School was wonderful. Our teacher has a way of presenting God's truth in a way that resonates with me. We have similar personalities and I suppose that makes his teaching real, relatable and powerful to me.

We had a special guest come and sing during the worship service. The worship was more powerful than it has been in a while. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and looked next to me and saw Sweet G lift both hands as high as he could and shout, "Yes! praise the Lord." My initial Mommy thought was to tell him to be quiet but I didn't. I paused and watched my little boy worship with a freedom that I wish I was bold enough to experience. I sat there in awe of his sweet spirit and his lack of restraint. He felt moved by the singing and he unashamedly praised God.

God had many lessons for me today. The sermon was perfect for where I have been in my life and pointed out some key areas I have become weak in. Our Sunday School lesson was filled with answers to issues I deal with regularly. The songs of worship reminded me that I gain strength from praising my Savior. Sweet G demonstrated freedom in worshiping Christ and in trusting Him regardless of the circumstances God allows me to face.

I prayed at the alter about some things I have been dealing with for a long time. A precious senior adult lady joined me to pray. She is the perfect picture of southern grace and devoted Christianity. Everyone who knows her loves her and admires the testimony of her life. I was honored that she prayed with me but the most amazing thing happened as we finished praying. She held me by my arms and looked directly into my eyes as she spoke to me. She said some things about me that took me by surprise. God used her to bless me and encourage me.

I would have missed all those things if my amazing husband hadn't persisted in his attempts to wake me. He is so much more than I deserve. God taught me so much today. He demonstrated the fruit of the spirit through those around me.

Galatians 5:22-25 (KJV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23[Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.]
24[And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.]
25[If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.]