Trust

Today I went to G's school a little early so I could take him to the book fair at his school. I can't describe the overwhelming joy I feel when I lock eyes with that precious little boy. The secretary had announced my arrival over the intercom and G's teacher had him waiting in the hallway when I turned onto his hall. He hasn't been that excited about seeing me for quite some time and to tell you the truth it was really starting to bother me. He has always been so overjoyed to see me when we are reunited after even the briefest absence. He was on his way to the restroom and when I arrived. His teachers and parapros were all busy so I had the privilege of taking him to the bathroom. He was so excited that he almost wheeled himself into the bathroom wall.

We used a side door that goes through a courtyard leading to the media center. G is not used to going this way because the sidewalk there has a slight slope. I am ever trying to broaden his experiences and prepare him for the world so I thought that way is the best way to head to the library. Usually when faced with the obstacle that a slope presents G reacts by letting go of his wheels and raising both arms up as his body reacts to his fear. Now, I don't have to tell you that his reaction is totally the opposite reaction he needs to have in this kind of situation. I was pleasantly surprised today when I let him independently roll out onto the slope. He didn't let go! In fact he held a death grip on the wheels. Well, it is progress. At least he knows the danger in being strapped to an out of control wheelchair. Now to help him gain confidence in himself and gradually loosen the grip on his wheels.

I suppose that is why I have such trouble with transitions myself. I don't like the feeling of not being completely in control. I feel strapped to this thing called life with very little control of my direction. The difference between my situation and G's is that G is the only one in that wheelchair. He alone controls the speed and direction that it goes. It is all up to him. I however am a child of God. He has me in his hand as He guides me through life. Just as G has to learn to trust me when I stand in front of his chair and tell him I will not let him fall as he begins down an unfamiliar path I have to loosen my grip and trust that God is not going to let me fall.

Sometimes parents let their children fall so that they realize falling is not as scary as it seems. God doesn't give us everything we want, exactly the way we want, or exactly when we want it. He gives us so much more. He gives us what we need when we don't realize that is what we would have wanted all along if we had only been able to see it clearly. I am reminded of that lesson every time I look at my sweet baby G. Would I have chosen for my sweet child to have a disability if given the choice in the beginning? No, I wouldn't. Would I change him now if I could? No, probably not. That may sound cold and strange to some people but G's disability is part of who he is. It is partly responsible for the kind of spirit he has. His disability has brought many special people into our lives. People are naturally drawn to that precious little boy and he has blessed many people with his strength and his joyful spirit.

G's disability has changed our family and helped us to see things in a different way. It has strengthened us and brought us together as a team. We depend on each other in a way that most people will never understand. So just as I have always trusted God when it comes to G, I will continue to trust Him as He leads me into and out of the hallway.

Trust

Today I went to G's school a little early so I could take him to the book fair at his school. I can't describe the overwhelming joy I feel when I lock eyes with that precious little boy. The secretary had announced my arrival over the intercom and G's teacher had him waiting in the hallway when I turned onto his hall. He hasn't been that excited about seeing me for quite some time and to tell you the truth it was really starting to bother me. He has always been so overjoyed to see me when we are reunited after even the briefest absence. He was on his way to the restroom and when I arrived. His teachers and parapros were all busy so I had the privilege of taking him to the bathroom. He was so excited that he almost wheeled himself into the bathroom wall.

We used a side door that goes through a courtyard leading to the media center. G is not used to going this way because the sidewalk there has a slight slope. I am ever trying to broaden his experiences and prepare him for the world so I thought that way is the best way to head to the library. Usually when faced with the obstacle that a slope presents G reacts by letting go of his wheels and raising both arms up as his body reacts to his fear. Now, I don't have to tell you that his reaction is totally the opposite reaction he needs to have in this kind of situation. I was pleasantly surprised today when I let him independently roll out onto the slope. He didn't let go! In fact he held a death grip on the wheels. Well, it is progress. At least he knows the danger in being strapped to an out of control wheelchair. Now to help him gain confidence in himself and gradually loosen the grip on his wheels.

I suppose that is why I have such trouble with transitions myself. I don't like the feeling of not being completely in control. I feel strapped to this thing called life with very little control of my direction. The difference between my situation and G's is that G is the only one in that wheelchair. He alone controls the speed and direction that it goes. It is all up to him. I however am a child of God. He has me in his hand as He guides me through life. Just as G has to learn to trust me when I stand in front of his chair and tell him I will not let him fall as he begins down an unfamiliar path I have to loosen my grip and trust that God is not going to let me fall.

Sometimes parents let their children fall so that they realize falling is not as scary as it seems. God doesn't give us everything we want, exactly the way we want, or exactly when we want it. He gives us so much more. He gives us what we need when we don't realize that is what we would have wanted all along if we had only been able to see it clearly. I am reminded of that lesson every time I look at my sweet baby G. Would I have chosen for my sweet child to have a disability if given the choice in the beginning? No, I wouldn't. Would I change him now if I could? No, probably not. That may sound cold and strange to some people but G's disability is part of who he is. It is partly responsible for the kind of spirit he has. His disability has brought many special people into our lives. People are naturally drawn to that precious little boy and he has blessed many people with his strength and his joyful spirit.

G's disability has changed our family and helped us to see things in a different way. It has strengthened us and brought us together as a team. We depend on each other in a way that most people will never understand. So just as I have always trusted God when it comes to G, I will continue to trust Him as He leads me into and out of the hallway.

Back in the Hallway

Since it is now 12:30 a.m. it is officially the last day of my student teaching. I have spent the past two days assessing my students individually and have really enjoyed having a few minutes to enjoy each of them without the distraction of 15 other children competing for my attention. Each one of them has a unique personality and I love them all for different reasons. Some of them have personalities that scream "leader". Some are sweet and quiet while others are loud and active. I giggled at the way some of them squirmed around as they read to me. I caught myself before I told them to sit down and be still. It was if God was saying, "let them be who they are and observe the way they learn."

I know that I should be ecstatic at the thought of graduating but to be honest I am not. I have had a goal before me for the past three years. I knew that at the end of each semester I would be registering for different classes but they would still be classes all the same. I thrive when I have direction. I love to have a clearly planned path to follow. When I vacation I spend weeks researching and planning an itinerary. I know it sounds crazy to most people but my vacation lasts much longer than most people's do. I get to plan and dream for weeks prior to even packing the first thing! I know the things I want to do while I am there and rarely come home to discover there was something I wanted to do while I was at my vacation destination that I missed out on. That is just the way I roll. I am a list making, over thinking, schedule oriented individual.

I am having panic attacks because suddenly I feel that I am drifting with no sense of direction. I am in one of the hallways of life. The hallway is filled with many doors. Big doors, little doors, elaborate doors, plain doors. Some doors have signs hanging outside them but I cannot tell if they will open if I try them. There are other doors that seem to be cracked just a little but there is not enough light coming out to tell if that is a hopeful place to go. So I stand here in the hallway, waiting. I am trying to wait patiently without stomping in frustration. I am seeking direction from my Heavenly Father and trusting that He has a plan that is infinitely greater than I can imagine. I follow a blog of a lady that is going through much more serious issues than I face but I agree with her when she says, "It's Hell in the Hallways!"

Back in the Hallway

Since it is now 12:30 a.m. it is officially the last day of my student teaching. I have spent the past two days assessing my students individually and have really enjoyed having a few minutes to enjoy each of them without the distraction of 15 other children competing for my attention. Each one of them has a unique personality and I love them all for different reasons. Some of them have personalities that scream "leader". Some are sweet and quiet while others are loud and active. I giggled at the way some of them squirmed around as they read to me. I caught myself before I told them to sit down and be still. It was if God was saying, "let them be who they are and observe the way they learn."

I know that I should be ecstatic at the thought of graduating but to be honest I am not. I have had a goal before me for the past three years. I knew that at the end of each semester I would be registering for different classes but they would still be classes all the same. I thrive when I have direction. I love to have a clearly planned path to follow. When I vacation I spend weeks researching and planning an itinerary. I know it sounds crazy to most people but my vacation lasts much longer than most people's do. I get to plan and dream for weeks prior to even packing the first thing! I know the things I want to do while I am there and rarely come home to discover there was something I wanted to do while I was at my vacation destination that I missed out on. That is just the way I roll. I am a list making, over thinking, schedule oriented individual.

I am having panic attacks because suddenly I feel that I am drifting with no sense of direction. I am in one of the hallways of life. The hallway is filled with many doors. Big doors, little doors, elaborate doors, plain doors. Some doors have signs hanging outside them but I cannot tell if they will open if I try them. There are other doors that seem to be cracked just a little but there is not enough light coming out to tell if that is a hopeful place to go. So I stand here in the hallway, waiting. I am trying to wait patiently without stomping in frustration. I am seeking direction from my Heavenly Father and trusting that He has a plan that is infinitely greater than I can imagine. I follow a blog of a lady that is going through much more serious issues than I face but I agree with her when she says, "It's Hell in the Hallways!"

A Simple Homescooling Day--Not

Lately I have been fondly remembering my days as a homeschool mom. I remember simpler times when days were spent cuddling up on the sofa to read a good book, having school outside on beautiful spring days, cooking homemade bread from freshly ground wheat, and researching our newest discovery just because we were curious. I miss our weekly Wednesdays at the lake with friends, 4H meetings, and having a clean house all the time.

Those are the things I miss about homeschooling. I have really been thinking about all the things that I shared with T that I do not share with G. Cerebral palsy has stolen a lot from G and I. Carefree days spent playing outside, games of hide and seek, and the freedom to quickly jump in the car to make an impromptu stop at the grocery store are just the tip of the iceberg. There are too many to name. But for all the things it has taken it has given something in return. It has given me a patient boy who loves to be cuddled and is content to sit in the waiting room for an appointment with a doctor that is running an hour late. G is happy sitting with his Mommy all day long if he is allowed to. I am his bestest friend.

When I thought about spring break I imagined all the things that T and I used to do. I had planned for this week to be filled with me getting all my housework finished, spending endless hours reading with G, covering some phonics and math lessons with him and cooking supper every night. Well, was I ever wrong!! I spent most of yesterday taking apart and reassembling G's stander so it could be cleaned. The other part of the day was spent taking G back and forth to the bathroom, picking up movies G repeatedly dumped in the floor, and changing DVDs in Gs DVD player because he took them out 10,000 times.

Today I did manage to cook some pintos for supper in between my DVD duties. I washed two loads of clothes. I even managed to sand and paint a chair I bought at a yard sale. The rest of my day was spent lugging G back and forth to the bathroom, cleaning up after his very messy meals, and plugging up the DVD player 50 times because, "I was just sitting here and the plug came out and I don't remember how to put it back. Can you show me again Mom?"

I sure do love that boy but he is exhausting. How can one little boy who cannot walk (remember someone lost the walker) get into so much stuff? By 6:30 I was pooped. I cleaned the kitchen (mostly) and told G to meet me in my bedroom. He began to crawl in that direction and I heard him say, "I guess I am about to trip over this stuff aparently." He was referring to a drop cloth I left in the living room floor that I used to slipcover a stool. Oh, yeah I made a slipcover for a stool today.

The funny thing about G's statement is he was crawling at the time and was in no danger of tripping (no walker). It amazes me when he says something like that. He doesn't see himself as having a disability. He still imagines that he can snow ski, skate, or do anything else that he sets his mind to. I try to give G experiences with people who rise above their disabilities. Recently I pulled up a video of a young man who does stunts in his wheelchair. I thought that G would like to see the remarkable tricks this boy can do in his wheelchair. Boy, once again I was wrong. G took one look at the screen and said, "Mom, I don't want to watch that wheelchair boy, turn it to most spectacular bloopers ever." I know that someday there will be questions of why am I different but for now my Sweet G believes in magic and tooth fairies and Santa Clause. His goals in life are to be knocked out like Spencer on ICarly someday.

I learned a huge lesson today. G is not T. He is his own unique person who will have his own experiences. They will not be the same as they would be if he didn't have a disabilty but they will be his and they will be good. I also learned that my memory is sometimes selective. I somehow forgot all the days I thought would never come to an end. And most importantly I learned that although I do miss homeschooling I do not think it is the right choice for G or for me right now. I will cherish school breaks and summer vacation knowing that they will soon pass and I can go back to work and rest.